Week 6

WEEK 6

I grew up in the Middle East where gender plays a big role, and that gender is MEN. Men always decide for women and have the right to ask and do anything. Women always stay at home to be a homemaker, only.

I have an eldest brother and older sister. My brother as an oldest child had a huge role in my life, more than my father. Since he was a boy and the first child of the family, my parents gave him lots of freedom and power to do what he desired and act how he wanted at home with us. He was very restricting on me. I was petrified when he was around that either I had to hide or pretend I was studying. When he left the country to go abroad, I felt some kind of relief. While he wasn’t living with us, my parents always consulted him for every move they were going to make. After graduating from high school, I told my parents that I wish to go to Europe to continue my education, but they gave me only one choice to go where my brother was. Relatively, I moved to Canada and he dictated for me what to do, but he was not as bad as before. Until I met my husband and moved to US, I looked at it as a way to get out, but I was trapped again. He is very controlling about the money and spending it. He expects from me to go to work, bring in money, take care of home and never complain. I can go on and on about the men controlling women in our culture.   

At the same time, I would like to explain how all these affected and shaped me. Growing up in the environment where myself and my opinion were not counted and I had to be follower all the time made me a person who has very low self esteem, scared of everything, sensitive, lost, confused and incapable of doing anything right. It is really hard for me to make a decision or choose when I have to. I believe my thoughts, idea and opinion aren’t valuable so when I need to work in a group, I keep quiet. It takes a lot of energy out of me if I need to start a new task. However, it didn’t last like that forever until I broke my silence and made a big revolution in my marriage life last year which shocked everybody. I put my foot down to be respected as a woman and wife, also to recognize and value my needs, ideas and decisions. It was successful so far. It feels very strange to me to be and act different and it requires time to heal the wounds.